Thoughts #9

Hi dear stranger, been a while.

Strange you may be the only person that stayed in my life properly for the past five years, thank you for always being there and reading my posts without judging me, you have been the kindest, thank you.

A little about my life, last month I have successfully completed my first year at the family company after graduating from King’s. My experience has been rather strange and complex but not as bad as I’d expected, which is surprising and a postive thing to me overall. I am thankful to universe for treating me just about right with little ups and downs for the past 12 months. Anxiety is under control, not as crippling as it was, people in my life do not exceed five of my fingers, food is ok, weather is rather depressing but thankfully not as depressing as London. I am surrounded by loved ones, slowly progressing into the phase of my life where I cut out permanent looking but temporary relationships in my life. It has been a challanging thing to do to be honest. I was not expecting this much of sore and pain in clearing out the memories. But I now know that I am at an age where I constantly have to use my logic over feelings.

I have never been a kid

I am not sure if this is the right time to come up with this one, but can’t keep it forever.

As the headline says I’ve never had a chance to be a kid. As you may or may not know, I am the product of my father’s second marriage. This has never been a problem until I grow up to be a man, have some beards and muscles [ 🙂 ]. My father has 9 kids, 44, 43, 42, 39, 37, 27, 24, 17, 9 years olds respectively 42, 37 and 24 are boys which I am close with that 24 is me, god I am so old never have I ever would’ve imagened to be this old when I was in middle school but hey kids when grown-ups are telling you time flies, rather than belittling them trust them with your life cuz they ain’t lyin about that..

Back to our topic, I have always been a business man even in my childhood. That is because my father, ehem, my boss, treated me like one all my life. There was no mercy, no spoiling, no presents, no hugs, no birthdays, not a single thing that would be counted as an affection, love or even respect.

9 year old wanting a bike? father doesn’t like bikes. he didn’t have a father. ( grandpa tragically passed away when dad was 6 months old as a result of lightning strike).

BEN-10 just came out, have cool watches and stickers also free with newspaper points can you get it? No, you are a businessman no time to play with stupid toys.

Going to play football on the street with other kids? You are businessman, you can get kidnapped or traumatised go watch TV or play with your sisters.. bla bla..

and many other things that I have never had a chance to experience while I was a kid, when you are grown man those things aren’t as interesting or joyful anymore.

Now this may have been profound affect on my life and my personality in general. My sister is 3 years older than me and I have been his big brother pretty much her whole life. Have always been two maybe three, five, ten you count steps ahead her. It does sound quite nice as you are a grown person reading this right? Starting life early gives you an advantage over your peers etc. Well you are not wrong about that, but you are not right either.

It left me vulnerable to those close to me. It took a while to gather myself and continue writing after that line. I’ve always shown a lot of affection to the people I’m close with, letting down my guard to embrace the childhood I never had. That, my dear friend, is something I will never do again. It left a deep scar on my soul. From now on, I’ll approach each relationship with more caution, protecting my feelings until I’m sure they’re safe with someone else. This change has been hard, but it’s necessary for my peace of mind. I’ve realized that protecting myself doesn’t mean shutting people out; it means being selective about who I let close. Every interaction now comes with a silent assessment, a quiet hope for authenticity that guards against the repeat of past hurts. I yearn for connections that are not only profound but also nurturing, where mutual respect and understanding bridge the gaps of our shared vulnerabilities.

As I navigate this journey, I am reminded of the words of Maya Angelou: “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” This quote encapsulates the essence of my path—transforming challenges into stepping stones for growth, without letting them diminish my spirit.

Farewell