Thoughts #10
August 22, 2024Beyond self-interests
September 12, 2024When we talk about what can go wrong in relationships, we often think of big, obvious issues like infidelity or financial problems. But there’s something far more insidious at play: our own prejudices and biases. These aren’t just about race or culture; they’re about how we judge people based on anything from their job to their hobbies, and these judgments can slowly but surely tear apart even the strongest bonds.
Why We’re Wired for Bias
Let’s get real. Our brains are lazy. They love shortcuts. That’s what biases are – mental shortcuts. Back in the day, if you saw someone from a different tribe, your brain might go, “Danger!” because that was often true. Today, that same brain might go, “He’s into comic books? That’s weird.” and suddenly, you’ve got a bias against your partner’s interests.
How They Sneak Into Our Relationships
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First Impressions: We meet someone, and in a split second, we’ve already made up our mind about them. That first impression can color how we see them forever, even if it’s based on nothing substantial.
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Stereotyping: We all do it. “He’s a mechanic, so he must not be into art.” or “She’s a lawyer, she’s probably cold.” These stereotypes can make us miss out on truly understanding our partner.
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Confirmation Bias: Once we have an idea about someone, we look for things that confirm it. If you think your partner is selfish, you’ll notice every time they do something that fits that narrative, ignoring all the times they’re generous.
The Damage They Do
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Miscommunication: When you’ve already decided something about your partner, you might not even listen to what they’re really saying. You hear what you expect to hear.
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Lack of Trust: If you’re always looking for signs that your partner fits some negative stereotype, how can you trust them?
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Stagnation: Relationships need growth. But if you’re stuck in your biases, you’re not growing together. You’re just stuck.
Breaking Free
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Self-awareness: Catch yourself when you’re making snap judgments. Ask, “Why do I think this? Is it really true?”
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Open Conversations: Talk about your biases. Not in an accusatory way, but as a way to understand each other better. “I noticed I tend to think this about you, and I want to understand why.”
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Challenge Yourself: If you find yourself thinking something negative, actively look for evidence against it.
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Empathy: Try to see the world from your partner’s shoes. It’s not about agreeing with everything they do, but understanding why they do it.
Summin all up
Prejudices and biases are like termites in the foundation of a house. You might not see them, but they’re eating away at the structure. In relationships, they prevent us from truly connecting with someone because we’re not seeing them for who they are, but for who we’ve decided they are. To have a real, deep connection, we’ve got to clear out these mental cobwebs and see each other clearly, biases and all.