It feels like I am in a dream

Please read the following while this particular song is playing, make sure it is on repeat. : 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=fhQC7JBr7nU&si=u2XFzbhNpwlMemn3

Hi, dear stranger, thank you for being here with me for the past four years. I hope everything is under control and that your biggest problem is deciding whether to have your morning tea with one sugar or two!

Today, I will go through a few topics, from medication to work.

To begin with, I’d like to talk about my experience with antidepressants, particularly SSRIs. It dates back to 2021, when I had to use an SSRI called Paroxetine (aka the king of all antidepressants). At the time, I was struggling with a crippling irritable bowel syndrome caused by a collection of bad experiences: loss of a relative at the end of the previous year, the pandemic, exams and university problems, and the biggest of all, the traffic accident I had when I was 11 years of age.

I did not believe in anything that merely touched human psychology, thought mental disorders were for the weak, and that I’d never be a victim of it. I hated doctors, hospitals, nurses, needles, and medication, thanks to my 21-day ICU experience back in 2012. Imagine, the first actual pill I ever swallowed in my whole life was Paroxetine 10mg; I was 20 years old at the time :)).

Back to our topic with antidepressants, I have one thing to say about them: it is a love-hate relationship, really. At first, you almost hate everything in existence—the people in particular and the flesh you see in the mirror every day, every single atom of it. As time passes and the chemistry of your body adapts to the new, unknown chemical that inhibits the reuptake of serotonin—a hormone that regulates mood and general happiness—the feelings change.

Paroxetine: If there were something like a magical drug, I’d call it this one. It may be the most profound chemical mix scientists have ever developed, allowing almost instant relief for those who are struggling with physical symptoms of anxiety. Ah, I hear you saying that everything’s happening inside your head—what do you mean by saying physical..? Tell that to me in 2021, when I had to go through a colonoscopy procedure where they put cameras into your bowels to make sure you do not have anything abnormal over there, particularly bowel cancer. Thank God I had none of it. At first, it was very hard to convince myself that I was physically okay and that these are all just the anxiety and depression that accumulated over the years saying, “Hi, we are here.” As it was the first ever pill I had swallowed in my whole life at the time, I thought I might be biased toward this particular drug, so I did my own research. Turns out indeed Paroxetine is the most potent SSRI-class antidepressant, which is used to treat the heaviest mental health and anxiety disorders known to mankind. It binds perfectly with the SERT, allowing maximum blockage of reuptake of serotonin, which then gives you this prolonged feeling of rather scary stability.

Yes, contrary to popular belief, antidepressants do not make you magically happy or fix all your problems suddenly. Just like anything else in life, they have a rather steady but effective effect on your mood as time passes on. You just gotta stick to it to see its full effect on you; just like pretty much anything else in life, consistency and patience are key.

I did really great from 2021 to 2023, really great job! My uni life was good: I met a lot of new people, founded a society to connect all Turkic people together, lost a lot of fat :), went to the gym—probably had the best years of my life in that rather small window. Moving on, on the 6th of February 2023, the earthquakes hit my hometown and 14 other nearby cities, which killed well over 500,000 people. Among them was my auntie’s brother, Yusuf (may God bless his soul), and some other people I knew who had tragically passed away. Now, it might sound really strange, but you don’t actually care or feel death until it happens to someone that you are close with. Back in 2012, I had experienced what is called a ‘near-death experience’ myself; for that particular reason, I am able to sympathize with those who experience it as well. At the time, I did not feel anything; we weren’t able to fly back to our hometown. My family had to stay in cars during the harsh cold weather of Gaziantep while we had running water, a place to shelter, friends, and loved ones.

It felt a little strange, a little distorted, and a little empty. At the very beginning, I lost sleep; my heart rate was always above 100, and my anxiety was through the roof. It went like that for almost a month, and on the 7th of March, my body was no longer able to hold the anxiety that had accumulated over the past two years since 2021. I thought depression, feeling like shit, and all that negativity was dead, that it’d never find me again. Well, I was wrong. I experienced a panic attack. I don’t really want to bore you by listing symptoms and feelings of a panic attack here; do yourself a favor and google it. Now of course, you might ask what were the underlying reasons that pushed me to a point where I had a panic attack?

I can make a list:

2021 (pandemic, quitting Paroxetine quite early in the treatment, starting a new relationship)

2022 (the shift from pandemic to ‘normal’ life, relationship traumas, personal goals and ambitions)

2023 (the earthquake, final year at the university, uncertainty of what will happen for the rest of my life, relationship traumas, returning to Türkiye, leaving everything behind, not knowing what I will do with the knowledge I have accumulated)

Well, looking back, I feel incredibly proud of myself for not having a panic attack until March of 2023; as you may notice, each of the things I have listed inside parentheses is a panic attack reason itself. With all things considered, I slowly started to think that what I am and have been experiencing is what we call ‘maturing’ itself. When I started my journey back in London, I knew one day I’d have to make a decision, but I was not so worried at the time, as that one day was a major pandemic, an earthquake, a traumatizing relationship, and a uni degree away from me (can you imagine 8 million people died during this what I call ‘one-day,’ not even counting the Ukraine war). Although I am both terrified and impressed by what I have experienced in four years, I should really go back to my medication history before I give myself another panic attack.

Now, I should talk about the UK health system a little bit before I move on to the second SSRI I used at the time.

There may be a lot of things to be said about the NHS (National Health Service of the United Kingdom and Great Britain); I will aim to sum it up in a few plain words:

The NHS, rather than being a healthcare system, is famous for its delays; it’s more of a stalling system. This stalling system not only lacks an adequate budget but also doesn’t have enough doctors and nurses. While there are very skilled professors, they focus on research rather than patient care, and in my experience, the quality of those working in practical patient care is, debatably, very poor.

While this does not directly reflect and summarize my whole experience with the UK health system, it is a criticism harsh enough to give some respect and thank those who did their very best for me and other patients’ well-being.

Sertraline: Arguably one of the weakest, least potent SSRIs available to mankind, does not work if you don’t use it regularly for five weeks and increase your dose to at least 100mg (though they say 50mg is the therapeutic dose; it may be true for some, but it definitely was not true for me lol). I shall no longer waste our time by talking about this stupid drug; all I want to say about it is I hope one day it disappears and never comes back.

Now, looking back, I’d normally say I am missing my days when I was a student; the only thing I cared about was my own well-being, eating, sleeping, studying, and thinking of passing my exams and delivering courseworks, but I really do not.

I lived those days so well, I am no longer seeking to return to them. I now understand that whatever we are missing, we have not fully lived or experienced them, or did not do our best before losing them to ‘time.’

Thank God I do not have anything in particular where I say, “Oh God, I miss it,” apart from being in my mother’s womb, which probably was the best ‘year’ of my life 🙂 free from any kind of discomfort, not having consciousness, and also being able to breathe underwater hahhahaha.

Would you be surprised if I say my future is still unknown? Some of you probably would, but those who have lived this life enough would smile at the screen and sympathize with what I am saying. I was thinking about what I was missing to settle down properly and have only a few things happening to disturb my routine, and I have carefully and thoroughly analyzed my life. Marriage.

Now I surprised all of you, including the ones that weren’t surprised a few moments ago :).

Marriage, what the f*ck, you are only 24 years old…?

Well guys, it is time I share my thoughts about this with you, as you are no longer a stranger to me. Starting my writings by saying “Hi, dear stranger” is a tradition for me; please forgive.

After reflecting on my experiences, I realized that amidst all the chaos and uncertainties, what I yearn for is stability and a deeper connection. Marriage, to me, represents a commitment that could bring balance to my life—a partnership where mutual support and understanding help navigate life’s challenges. It’s not about age but about reaching a point where I desire to build a future with someone who complements me, someone with whom I can share both the burdens and joys that may come our way. It is a decision that awaits confirmation from both me and the potential person. I may or may not comeback to this, but it is what I want at the end of the day, it may happen very soon or within 2-3 years. One thing I know for sure is that the person that  I will marry cannot be someone whom I do not share a common purpose in life, and someone I barely know. As, life without a common point, wouldn’t be life.

I can tell you this: I only had one relationship in my life, although I had EVERYTHING in my power to have multiple relationships, including the ‘one-night-stands.’ Everything?—time, money, place, intellect, you name it. I refused to live that life. I wanted to control my willpower; I wanted to respect myself for the things I did and I did not do.

I feel no regret for this; if I lived another life, I’d do the same. At the very least, I can respect myself about my past life. I am a man with honor, and most importantly, ‘self-respect.’

My relationship lasted almost three years. Although it was full of red flags, I am grateful to my ex for being arguably one of the greatest teachers to me, if not the greatest. She did very well in teaching me who to stay away from and to learn to recognize a red flag from a thousand miles away. Obviously, like in all relationships, romantic or not, we had good and bad days together. Looking back, all I see is a desperate guy holding on, all by himself, to not lose his relationship, which at the time he thought meant the whole ‘world’ to him—a selfish, childish woman who cares about nothing but her own well-being, ignoring everything else, never leaving her comfort zone, a female who, apart from her materialistic side, had no ideals in this world.

One day, I woke up and realized I was not in love with who she was but rather with her version which I had created.

Once I realized this, I felt incredibly terrible—felt betrayed, ignored, unheeded, and most hurtful of all, I felt alone.

I began to lose my interest toward her, slowly dropped her from my priority list, and now she means nothing to me.

When I say this, she is gone—it is not hate, it is not sadness, it is not any negative emotion. I have successfully closed a chapter of my life which back in the day, the idea of it was shaking me from inside out.

I have lived her so well, did not bury the memories but rather embraced them and successfully moved on, just in ‘time.’

I am grateful for the existence of this website and my writings in the past, as, tragicomically, I left a note to my future self just for this. Please read: https://www.gedsmemory.com/2021/12/17/thoughts-6/

Of course, I will not just spill hate or negative emotions for her; she was there for me when I needed her, with everything that was available to her, but it was not sufficient for me. I feel guilt from time to time for pushing someone to be someone that was not them, for creating an imaginary partner and falling in love with it until realizing everything about it is a delusion created by ‘self’.

We never had a chance to say goodbye, but I believe some things deserve to be left unattended; naturally, they just die.

As we have stated before on this website, the ‘dead’ tells no tales.

My life motto has always been: “If my enemy or friend wants something for me, give 10x of it to them before it happens to me whether it’s bad or good.” All I want from God for her is to get what she gave me during our time together; if good, then good. If bad, then bad.

To sum it all up, these past four years have been a transformative journey of self-discovery, resilience, and maturation. From initially dismissing mental health struggles to navigating the complexities of antidepressants, I’ve faced challenges that have tested and shaped me. The trials of personal loss, the aftermath of natural disasters, and the introspection brought on by a significant relationship have all contributed to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me.