Letter to the stranger, 120 days later.

Hi dear stranger, it has been yet again a long time since we got in touch, from my point, it was yestarday. Last time I was here was back in may and now it is the last day of october of 2025. 120 days ago I was a very different person than what I am today. The biggest update is, I am now an engaged person, and I have wedding planned in exactly 50 days. Woosh, writing it is a lot harder than saying something, isn’t it? I wish I could say this in circumstances where my mental health is stable and in a positive state, but this whole process is a ‘no sane mans business’. It has been draining me like no other thint has done in my life. First, I had to demolish everything I knew about life, society, norms and dogmas and had to build it all back in order to be where I am today. Man that takes something away from you, it is far more feelable than my first depression episode (where I though I figured it all) although it is still work in progress, I feel much better than before now that I was able to transform certain things about me for the better. As you know (by now you should) I have always been the ‘serious’ guy even when I was just a little boy, thanks to my papa with whom I have fourty years of age difference who decided to treat me like his pals starting from the age of 8 where I was trying to figure out my left and right.. Long story short, I have lived in accordance to that principle where I had not waste my time over meaningless connections, kept my dignity and set clear boundaries with other people around me so they have little influence on me regardless positive or negative. I am marrying, yes with a soul that was rather lost in life, waiting to be touched, discovered and claimed. Although we were much different, thanks to my fine tuning on both of us and of course significant steps from her side, we came to the point where we said ‘okay let’s merge these two lives in to one’.  Although, we are both the same age, because of her upbringing and specific story, she is emotionally less mature and more chaotic in everyday life which I have difficulties in dealing with. Fifty days later I will merge my life, everything I have with this person, I still haven’t figured it all out yet which scares the shit out of me to be honest as a ‘all the time emotionally mature, logically profound and staying in the safe side of the water person’. Yes, I was todays years old when I figured out that I cannot figure out everything all of a sudden as it being unpredictable is what makes life interesting and worth living. With this person I feel like I am living what is called ‘fate’, as I’d never imagine myself being in the position that I am today. Now let’s move to the point which caused me to actually write today.

I feel like I am destined to eternal loneliness, banned from establishing and receiving a meaningful connection with any living soul. Although this sounds devastatingly sad and depressing I think today I am immune enough to handle this though it feels like swallowing a handful studs down the eshopagus.  It all started when I actually questioned what I meant for my immdiate family, the poeple who made me who I am today both biologically and mentally. After long tests, pattern recognition, following trends and going through shit ton of pain, I have decided I do not possess significant place in their lives therefore I made them my secondary leaving the primary position open for someone or something? I have tried meditation, adopting a pet( I have two beautiful dogs, shout out to Pasha and Ice for being there when I needed comfort), tried doing meaningful work for not just myself but other, tried to fit a person there none of it actually worked. So I was convinced that I am actually going to live this life alone, that I should be just following my evolutionary instincts and pass away like that( eat, sleep, reproduce and die) up until last year this time. Then came this soul into my life out of nowhere, as always I seeked what I was missing in my life, the question immediately asked ‘could this be it?’  To answer that question, I went on a journey where I went through a lot of pain, tear and sadness. Today I feel like I know the answer, today journey that I had to go through a lot of unnecessary drama ends. In life there is no such place as primary or secondary, people come and go. That’s the rule of the life, you shouldn’t and mustn’t have such categories for your own well being. Demolishing this will be my yet another ‘hardest exam’ in life but I am here to fight anything as long as I breath because as I have experienced and understood life is a place where the currency is ‘tradeoff; the balance of giving and receiving’. Although it distress me a lot realising this now, but it was about time that I stop loading people and things with unnecessary value and meaning; creating my own little universe in that endless head of mine which gives me nothing but sadness and depression.

Remember, everyone have their own individiual stories and little universes(lives) inside their heads. This is mine, and nothing I write here is binding or true. Your set of experinces might have taken you in a different place, this is where mine took me and this is me accepting the reality as is.

Live for another day, help others and remember to be good for no reason; as the worst thing that could come out is that one day you will be dead and remembered as a ‘good’ person. That is worthy of all efforts you put in the cause of goodness.

Take a very good care of yourself, and remember to make someone smile till the next time I see you!

Farewell